


the vocabulary of desire

by FullmetalChords, mother_hearted



Series: Toki and Meg's Faerghus Husbands AU [2]
Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Body Image, Communication, Developing Relationship, M/M, No War AU, Oral Sex, Pre-Timeskip | Academy Phase (Fire Emblem: Three Houses)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:26:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25940575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FullmetalChords/pseuds/FullmetalChords, https://archiveofourown.org/users/mother_hearted/pseuds/mother_hearted
Summary: I need you to tell me, he thinks, frustrated with himself. Show me I'm not a bother, that you still want me. What is it you're hiding under those earnest words of yours? Are you truly so guileless, so... foolish, as to trust me completely?Dimitri is a mystery. One Claude cannot hold himself back from exploring, to every extent that Dimitri will let him.--After a run in at the sauna, Dimitri's fears are more than skin deep, while Claude gets lost in his head.Co-written between FullmetalChords and mother_hearted, and posted for day 2 of dmclbdayweek!
Relationships: Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Claude von Riegan
Series: Toki and Meg's Faerghus Husbands AU [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1881556
Comments: 3
Kudos: 66





	the vocabulary of desire

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> Just like our first part in this series, this second part features a shifting POV between Dimitri (me) and Claude (the lovely FullmetalChords). While not written specifically for the DmclBDayWeek, we wanted to share our work in celebration of it <3!

The sauna is quiet this time of night, and it should be, when Dimitri purposefully comes to bathe just before the last bell rings. 

Claude’s earring lies inconspicuously next to Dimitri’s pile of clothing on the wooden bench next to the tub. The tiny loop of metal might as well serve as a hook, fishing out all of Dimitri’s buried thoughts about his… suitor? The word feels too formal, somehow. Even though they are courting, even though Dimitri was the one to ask. No, _presume_ their relationship before actually agreeing to court one another. 

Still, when he thinks of Claude he doesn’t think of him in such formal tones. Formality leaves Dimitri cold but when he thinks about Claude, he feels warm, warm like he is from soaking in this bath. Tickled pink and all the other flighty fancies of youth Dimitri assumed he would never get to experience, knowing his kingdom’s traditions. 

Thinking of his kingdom brings on the beginnings of a headache, remembering his latest piece of correspondence with his advisers sours him further, and he loses himself in his dwellings, comes back uncomfortably chilled to a now freezing bath. 

He’s just stepping out, dripping wet and covered in gooseflesh, when frantic footsteps suddenly sound down the hall. 

Claude comes running in, still dressed in his loungewear, pierced lobe feeling terribly naked -- only to find Dimitri who… actually is. His feet glue themselves to the floor when he gapes, spellbound at all the musculature he’s only touched before, eyes riveted to the droplets of water clinging to his clavicle. 

Mind lost all over again when Dimitri’s arms move to cover his chest and stomach, and Claude can only register the wet skin and muscle shifting underneath until he remembers Dimitri has a _face_ and Claude finally blinks, shaking himself out of his teenage stupor. “S-Sorry, I just, um.” His mouth is so wet, salivating at the damp flesh of his… whatever he and Dimitri are. “I lost my, um, my earring, dunno if I… left it… here.” 

He should have reined his thoughts in, should have gotten out of the bath, should have covered his body so he could put _this_ off a little longer. His shock at being walked in on thaws when his discomfort takes control, leaving his arm to move stiffly when he points towards his bench. 

“You did… I found it. I was going to return it to you. I didn't know you took it out when you bathed.”

Why does he keep looking at him like that? 

Ugh. 

He looks where Dimitri is pointing. "Ah... Thank you." He needs to _say_ something, _do_ something, not just keep gawking at Dimitri like a creep. 

"You, um..." He waves at Dimitri's torso, no pretty way to word this. "It's, uh... nice to see...you. All of you." Knows he's blushing furiously not from the sauna's steam, but his own nascent libido taking hold of him. Has to swallow, walking for the bench Dimitri had indicated and grabbing the offending earring, threading it back through his piercing while he keeps his eyes averted from Dimitri. 

He's... gorgeous. Could have anyone, why is he still bothering with Claude...?

Dimitri's brow furrows. Lips setting into a deep sulk. Claude doesn't need to bother saving face, saying such things to someone as disfigured as Dimitri... not when he can't even bring himself to look, or - he's looking away to be polite. After all, Dimitri has always kept his top on when they... explore one another. It would figure, he couldn't protect Claude from his... body. Not forever. 

He's entirely bitter when he speaks, both arms wrapped tight around his middle. They can’t hide his burn scars entirely, and his scars from steel peek out and crackle over his chest. "You do not have to lie. I'm sure I have doused any physical interest you had for me..."

He whips his head back around at that. " _What?_ " How on Earth can Dimitri not realize it's, well, quite the opposite? 

He chuckles in spite of himself. "I guess this proves you can't read minds," he says. "If you could, you'd be able to see all the naughty things I'm thinking..." Those handful of times in Dimitri's bed, exploring him, only imagining the sight before him... 

He takes a deep breath, bites his lip before taking a step forward. "Dimitri," he says, feeling out of his depth and helpless. "You're... Goddess, even lovelier than I imagined. But--" He blinks, glancing away. "I shouldn't have looked, before you were ready. And I definitely shouldn't be gawping at you like this... Sorry. I'm being rude." Though he's at least polite enough to keep his hands to himself, for now, in the public baths where anyone might walk in.

"...what?" He should be moving to dry off and get dressed. Not inflicting himself on Claude even if Claude walked in on him but, "You're thinking...? What do you mean?" 

Dimitri colors a delicate shade of pink. His burn scars are unsightly, the scars carved into his back from an axe even more so and - he should know better. He does know better. They are in a public setting, technically, and while it’s late any student or knight could walk right in but Claude is dangerously good at turning Dimitri around, stealing his focus, making him weak kneed and - 

He can't bring himself to walk away. To tear his gaze from Claude.

He laughs again, feeling embarrassed. "Gonna make me say it, Your Princeliness? Fine..." Claude takes another hesitant step forward. 

"I didn't mean to walk in on you, but I look at you like this and I think..." He has to swallow, hard. "I think about...falling on my knees to worship you. Learning your body with my mouth now that my hands have..." He shivers, needing to cut himself off before he punches a hole through the beige shorts he wore in the sauna. 

"If I come to you tonight," he asks, a little desperate, "can I... Can we...?" He groans at himself. "The answer doesn't have to be yes. I'll understand if you don't want to look at me any more after I've violated your privacy like this, but I, ugh..." He shivers, embarrassed. "Never mind. Forget I asked. I'll just, uh, go." And he makes to do so, brushing past Dimitri and feeling the damp heat of his skin.

The image Claude's words bring to mind makes Dimitri's body ache, and he flushes, feeling both hot and cold with the gooseflesh on his arms and legs. It makes Claude's graze burn hotter and Dimitri grabs his wrist before he can stop himself. Squeezes his eyes shut as his nostrils flare, breathing in deeply. 

"You did not violate my privacy, I know you had no ill intentions..." And privately Dimitri thinks of the excitement he's been trying to ignore, like the excitement he felt reading one of his books... of the maiden who let herself be caught bathing to entice the object of her affections. How she'd been happily _ravished_ and Dimitri is no seductress but, he cannot deny the thrill that exists alongside his self-loathing. That he is not so ugly, no, that he _is_ ugly but Claude is willing to look past it. 

He can't promise he won't lose his nerve later but he says, "If you come after the last bell tonight, I will be... up." 

( _'You're even lovelier than I imagined...'_ ) 

Dimitri releases his grip on Claude's wrist and finally walks off to his towel and stack of clothes.

His wrist burns where Dimitri had touched it. Claude shivers as he watches Dimitri walk away to grab his towel - Claude sees the ax scars, yes, deep and jagged, but also sees the way his muscles shift under skin, the strength and poise Dimitri so embodies. 

Gods, he wants to touch him. Now. Just like this. His skin already slick and warm-- 

He follows Dimitri, unable to stop himself. 

"Dimitri--" and that's all the warning he gives him before coming up to hold him from behind. Bathwater soaks into the front of his clothes, but oh, he doesn't mind, getting to touch all this flesh, holding the line of Dimitri's body against his. 

"I will," he promises, voice a little muffled behind Dimitri's shoulder. "I'll come."

It's split second control that keeps Dimitri from throwing Claude off of him but after a tense moment he relaxes back into his arms. Dimitri stares at his things, face burning, afraid to speak. Afraid if he opens his mouth, he'll reveal his shame, his filthy desires - 

just like this it would be so easy for Claude to - to take advantage of him. Have Dimitri at his mercy. Dimitri would be willing but also willing to pretend to be weak, let Claude - debauch him. 

Goddess, what is he doing?! _Dimitri_ , his voice hisses at him, berating and hateful. Dimitri shakes his head. "I believe you," he answers hoarsely, voice sounding rough like he hasn't spoken in years. "I need to - get dressed, Claude. I will leave my door unlocked." 

Let go of him before he humiliates himself further, goddess, _please._

He wants...so many things. Wants to turn Dimitri around, pin Dimitri against the wall and kiss him. Wants to pull down his shorts so they can rub their cocks together. Wants to... 

Dimitri had stiffened, when Claude had come from behind to hold him. He is relaxed now, but it is the tension that sticks with Claude. He's already pushed his luck enough for one night. He will see Dimitri in his room tonight and then... He isn't sure. It won't compare to the immediacy of what he feels right now. What he wants to do to Dimitri, to - have his way with him. 

He kisses Dimitri's shoulder before loosening his grip with a nod. Too afraid to keep pushing. Not only that someone might find them but that - Dimitri will shove him away. That his pride won't let him surrender to Claude. It hasn't in the past.

"Okay," he says, and winks when Dimitri looks over his shoulder at him, gaze burning like he's upset. "I'll go, uh, get into some dry clothes, meet you there?" Give both of them some time to clear their heads, if possible.

Dimitri manages a nod, a quiet word of consent, shoulder still burning from where Claude kissed it. He watches him leave, all but dashing out and it takes everything in Dimitri not to collapse to the floor. His hands find his face instead, digging painfully into his cheeks when they drag down. 

With a curse from the North on his tongue, he dries himself off roughly and gets dressed, his stride long and fast as he marches back to his room. He's grateful he doesn't run into any of his classmates, cannot stomach throwing up his mask of the calm and collected _Prince_ right now. 

Not when his mind is full of thoughts of Claude and his hands on his disfigured flesh. He touched his scars when he held him. Dimitri is standing in his room all of two minutes before throwing his clothes off again, ripping through his linens that need to be washed, to find the dirty pillow case to lay over his pillow. He ruts into it like a pup in heat, face shoved into the crook of his elbow to hide his sounds. 

All he can think about is Claude in the bath, bending Dimitri over, or spreading his legs, streaking his thighs with his come, and Dimitri whimpers into his arm when he peaks, orgasm knocking through him like a powerful blow. Edge taken off, he slumps into his bed, panting for breath. 

He's slow to move when he cleans up, folds over the case to tuck back into his laundry, shame burning red on his face. There's a bit of time before Claude shows up and Dimitri looks down at himself, bare, and casts an anxious look towards his bed. 

...what had Claude wanted to do? He'd. Never said. Dimitri - sighs. And decides to - let Claude see him again. He slips under his covers and pulls them up to his chest, growing shy as he waits in his bed, naked for Claude... 

The boy who is courting him. Who - apologized to Dimitri in the bath. He's really... too kind... Dimitri's stomach flips over itself as he stares up at the ceiling and waits.

The cool night air of mid-autumn helps to cool off Claude's skin, the damp spots on his clothes wicking all the heat away from his body to leave him feeling cold. He's distinctly shivering by the time he gets back to his room, taking off the offending articles and putting on some dry sleepwear. The loose, dark trousers he favors, a mustard-yellow shirt whose neckline has been stretched out. 

He should get in bed, give some time for Dimitri to return to his own room and get ready for him, but... Claude paces. Too restless to lie still, not wanting the heat that had evaporated during his walk back to the dormitory to overtake him again. Trying to put some space between himself and all his nascent fantasies about - Dimitri. Dripping wet and shining all over. The slickness of his chest and back when Claude had touched him. How easy it would have been to reach for his cock, how smooth the glide would have been - 

Bah. This won't do. Not only because the last thing he wants to do is show up to Dimitri's room with an erection. He can't think of anything more presumptuous, after the reaction Dimitri had given him... 

He's fairly familiar with Dimitri's body image issues. Does not fool himself into thinking that his tendency to gape at Dimitri's body has done anything to erode them. 

When he goes to Dimitri tonight, Claude resolves, it will be to - talk. Their late night visits do not always turn into sex, after all... Sometimes it is enough for them to simply lie near each other, kiss a little, slowly share themselves in other ways. That will be all he asks of Dimitri tonight, too. He will show him that Claude is not such a demanding thing that he would barrel into his bedroom, already hard, and climb atop him without being more considerate of Dimitri's feelings. 

The final bell chimes, and Claude waits for their sound to fully dissipate before leaving his room, quietly making his way to Dimitri's door. He knocks softly, twice, just to announce his presence before turning the handle Dimitri left unlocked for him. 

"Good evening, Dimitri," he says, playing the courteous gentleman as though he can erase his transgressions in the bath earlier. "I trust you've been--" 

He stops, dead, at the sight of Dimitri in his bed. Lit by the candle he keeps burning at his bedside, his hair soft from the bath, and - naked, clearly naked, covered only by a sheet. The idea that he made himself this way for Claude - 

Claude swallows. Shuts the door firmly behind himself, turning the key in the lock so that this sight will not belong to anyone but him. 

"Oh," he breathes. The heat is back already, simmering merrily beneath his skin like it never left. "Hello there..."

The candlelight brings a natural glow to Dimitri's skin, highlighting the blush crossing the bridge of his nose. He is used to being naked in his bed, his preferred way of sleeping as of late... but he has never felt vulnerable like he has now. Claude had just seen his body mere hours ago... all of him, every wretched detail - and he came back. The part of him that wants to be mature, that knows full well Claude would have to know the truth sometime, forces Dimitri to face reality head on. 

Covered in nothing but his sheet, he sits up, unable to keep from holding the sheet up to cover his pecs. It's ridiculous, Claude has already seen him but - it wasn't Dimitri's choice. He is making his choice now... even if it means showing him in inches. ('Does this make me a tease?' he thinks, horribly embarrassed.) 

"Hello," he says, shivering under Claude's gaze. He still doesn't understand why Claude chooses to look at him like that. Not quite gawking but - "You may come closer. I'm sorry if my earlier behavior put you off." 

Claude's embrace... Selfishly, Dimitri wishes they hadn't been in a public space, maybe Claude would have been bolder, spurring Dimitri on - he got himself off earlier to cool his thoughts but they heat right back up alongside his nerves. 

He's ugly, yet he can only believe Claude's affection for him allows him to see past it, still be attracted to him. He's grateful and feels starved for - something more.

"Hi," he breathes again. They were going to...talk? Perhaps they still will, but... Oh, Claude's blush has only deepened, drawn to Dimitri waiting so demurely in his bed for him, still pressing the top of his sheet to his chest as he watches Claude come closer... 

"Not... not at all," he says, coming to sit on Dimitri's bed, body angled to face him. "I took you by surprise, and..." He bites his lip. "You took _me_ by surprise. Your loveliness..." 

He aches to touch, to see more. Settles for resting his hand on Dimitri's cheek as he looks at his shoulders, the bits of Dimitri that he has left uncovered for Claude. 

"I..." Dimitri has already forgiven him for invading his privacy, but Claude still feels a strange twist of guilt for it. "I won't ask for more if you aren't ready," he says softly, "but... can I touch you?"

_'Your loveliness…_ ' 

"Yes." His answer is soft but certain. "We have been learning each other for the past few weeks, and I have enjoyed it." Learning each other physically and emotionally. Not just from adolescent necking but board games and leisure, studying as candles burned down to stubs. All of it combined with the heat and weight of Claude’s hands, eyes, mouth... Dimitri's feelings blaze deep inside him, at odds with the lessons he was raised with, the dignity and pride he was meant to preserve as a man. And now here he is, acting delicate, dainty like a fine petaled flower... He flushes harder at the picture he must make. 

How is Claude being so sweet and not laughing at him? "...where we were before wasn't appropriate. If a Knight were to have seen us..." Dimitri trails off, scowl slipping onto his face. "I am already minded enough as it is. I do not need more chaperoning." 

And Dimitri takes a big breath and... lets the sheet fall down to his stomach. "I'm as ready as I'll ever be. This is -" His body. "...I told you before I don't like how I look, but it is what it is. It would be wrong of me to try and deceive you any further..."

"You didn't trick me at all." His hand moves from Dimitri's cheek to the side of his neck, feeling the way his pulse flutters. "I knew all along that you had some scars. I could...feel them, when you let me put my hands under your shirt..." He traces Dimitri's collarbone. Taking it slow, not wanting to spook Dimitri, drinking in the sight of him. Savoring the warm softness of his flesh beneath his fingertips... 

"You're still beautiful, even with them. They don't... define you. Don't mar you." He meets Dimitri's eyes, his gaze suddenly hard. "Or do you think that mine diminish me?"

Dimitri scowls back something fierce right at Claude. "I have never thought once you were anything short of lovely." The insinuation that Dimitri would ever riles him.. It takes him a second to realize the face he is wearing, and he takes a breath, calming himself, softening his features once more. 

"The affection I have for you versus how I feel about myself..." And he's not saying anything Claude hasn't guessed, certainly. It's clear Dimitri does not hold himself in high esteem. "They are two separate things. They cannot be treated as interchangeable." 

And he wants to claw out of his body more days than not. Even with Claude... there may be brighter days than there used to be, but Dimitri is still tortured, still haunted. 

He doesn't want to continue this train of thought. 

"By my own choice I've chosen to show myself, so... if you accept me, then. I will accept it." To the best of his ability. His hands rest on Claude's leg, to feel connected to him, to steady himself while he touches his collarbone...

He nods solemnly, satisfied with the answer. Trying not to let Dimitri calling him "lovely" fluster him too much, distract him. 

"Then you can understand how I feel." He lets his hand trail lower, over the meat of his pec. "You may think yourself...ugly, or loathsome, but all I see is how beautiful you are. How strong you are, how well you fill my hands..." He cannot help his own intake of breath as he runs his thumb over Dimitri's nipple. Knowing how sensitive he is here, how he's moved against Claude in the past... 

"Dimitri..." And he leans in, taking the kiss he's thought of for too long tonight. Needing to back his words up with actions so Dimitri might believe him.

Claude has impeccable timing, stealing the soft moan right from Dimitri's mouth when he kisses him. His nipple peaks under his thumb, making him all the more sensitive when Claude touches it. 

He doesn't want to talk about himself anymore and he's grateful to have an out, his hands all too eager to slide up and under Claude's loose sleep shirt. Feeling his warm skin, the lines and curves of his torso that are starting to become familiar. 

"Mm..." He takes another kiss from Claude's mouth, pulling himself closer. The sheet slides, showing off the bare skin of his hip. "Claude..." Dimitri pulls back, already warm and interested. Already feeling a little safer in Claude's arms. 

"Did you have something in mind, for tonight?" Can't help but ask, eyes shining a little brighter in his eagerness. Still recalling the way Claude had cut himself off earlier... All too often being with Claude makes Dimitri ache, at the thought of all the possibilities, how - free Claude is with his own body. Inspiring Dimitri to be just as brave.

He starts being freer with his hands once he feels Dimitri touching him, the feeling still new enough to excite him all on its own. Whimpers, just a little, into Dimitri's mouth as he gets both hands on his chest, tentatively reaching for Dimitri's hip now that it's bare before him, too. 

"I..." He tries to think back, reaching through the haze of lust for what Dimitri is talking about. "When I came to your room, I thought you would only want to - talk. But back in the bath..." 

He'd thought of everything. Hormones and his readings melding together into a lovely mental image of him and Dimitri tangled up together in every possible way... But there was one thing that had stuck out to him. 

"I want to kiss you." Dimitri leans in to kiss his mouth again, and Claude accepts it before pulling back. "No, I - I want to kiss you all over. Everywhere. To taste you..." He blushes fiercely, fisting the sheet that still covers Dimitri's lap. 

"I wanted to earlier, in the bath. To lap at the water on your skin." Following the droplets with his tongue... hhh. He's too young, too inexperienced, still so easily excited by the simplest of mental images. Just a lone droplet of water making its way along the contours of Dimitri's chest... It's enough to make him tent his trousers, all on its own.

Guilt leaks into the twist of Dimitri's lips. "I know our relationship is more than this..." Flushed dizzy from everything Claude has said but it's important he explains himself. "But back in the bath after you held me..." 

The thought of how close Claude was, the brush of his hair on Dimitri's shoulder with his arms around his middle... "When I came back I was still so excited." Enough to masturbate furiously, as if to cope with the frenzied storm of hormones in his body. 

"I am interested. In you kissing me." He feels clumsy as he speaks, face burning to match Claude. His own cock taking an even more defined shape under the sheet. 

"There's just - I don't." He huffs. Trying hard to say what he wants without putting Claude off... "I like your hands... but I'm not ready for your - mouth." Oh, goddess, just saying it excites him. "I mean, not on my scars. Don't kiss my scars." 

"- And, I want to kiss you too. So, don't plan on leaving me out." He gives a shy, albeit nervous smile. As much as he likes his fantasies... he doesn't want to lie back all the time.

The shy, halting way Dimitri explains himself... Claude finds it so endearing. He can also appreciate the clarity of Dimitri's instruction. _Don't kiss my scars._ Taking all the guesswork out of what Dimitri wants from him…

And Dimitri's mouth on his own body... Nnnnn. He shivers in spite of himself, full of want. 

"Yes..." He nods, running his fingers through Dimitri's hair, holding the back of his head. "You can. I-" he blushes, "I would like that." Claude offers Dimitri a cocky little grin. 

"But you first, ok? Lie down for me." 

He guides Dimitri to lie on his back, the sheet having fallen down so it's bunched around his waist. Claude's cock twitches with excitement over what he wants to try, but - no. He's getting a little ahead of himself. 

He starts slow and easy, kissing the collarbone he'd touched just minutes ago. He's mindful of where Dimitri's scars are placed: A few old burn scars on his abdomen and arms, a long, narrow scar that mars the flesh of his right pectoral. Claude will not push it, will not let his lips wander in those directions - but it still leaves him with an awful lot of real estate to cover, as his mouth begins to wander southward. 

Dimitri's flesh under his lips, oh... He tastes clean from his bath, the skin soft after having been scrubbed clean. But the flesh is firm too, demonstrating how hard Dimitri works to keep himself in shape. 

Claude will appreciate it all, with eyes and hands and lips and tongue, for as long as Dimitri lets him.

The first time he and Claude kissed, Dimitri felt a conundrum over what to do with his hands. He's experiencing the same thing here, unsure of what to do while Claude... maps him out. Shivering, breath starting to come shallow, Dimitri carefully places his hands on Claude's back to feel the sharp edge of his scapula in his palm. 

"O-Oh..." Claude has pet his stomach in the past. It always leaves Dimitri on edge when he's been trained to only let Dedue or a medic near. Yet Claude is not the type to give up, he stays long enough for Dimitri to get used to him, to be able to enjoy it. 

His mouth is something else. The heat from his lips and tongue, far away from his scars (and Dimitri's heart pounds at how intentional it is) are enough to turn him into that pup he was not too long enough. Could easily roll himself onto his belly and rut into his mattress, or pull Claude down and - 

He stares at the ceiling, hands making fists in the back of Claude's shirt. Face painfully red, inexperience only adding fuel to the fire in his loins, he tries to breathe and enjoy this as long as he can.

Dimitri is shivering beneath him. Grabbing at his clothing. Claude is - still too uncertain, too muddled, to know if this means Dimitri is enjoying himself or not. If he is simply lying back waiting for it to end, for Claude to leave him alone... 

_I need you to tell me_ , he thinks, frustrated with himself. _Show me I'm not a bother, that you still want me. What is it you're hiding under those earnest words of yours? Are you truly so guileless, so... foolish, as to trust me completely?_

Dimitri is a mystery. One Claude cannot hold himself back from exploring, to every extent that Dimitri will let him. He catalogues every soft sound he makes, every shift of his body under Claude's. 

"If I'm - going too far," he says, hesitant, lips trailing along Dimitri's sternum while he tentatively reaches for his abs, "you need to tell me, I don't... hn..." They made each other come twice before, each time a happy accident, their excitement in kissing, in removing clothing, getting the better of them both. But Claude does not fool himself into thinking he has any clue what he's doing, or if he's pleasing Dimitri.

...huh? There's disappointment when he feels Claude stop and then Dimitri assumes the worst, worry quick to appear on his face. Maybe Claude was paying lip service all along... Maybe he can't actually face Dimitri's scarred flesh. 

Just as he's thinking he can't blame him, Dimitri sits up. Looks at him confused. "What? Of course I'd tell you if I disliked something." He'd already told him about not touching his scars, wouldn't Dimitri continue to speak up if need be? 

Face to face with Claude's hesitance, Dimitri feels at a loss. They've only kissed before, some rubbing and petting. This is new and feels much more... deliberate. Because Dimitri waited for Claude like this? Because Claude asked to see him after that charged moment between them? 

...because Claude said he liked Dimitri's body, even knowing what he looks like. _'I don't understand,'_ he thinks, _'but I do not want this moment to end so soon...'_

"Urm, Claude." Dimitri's fingers card through his hair, tickling at his scalp. "Maybe we should... discuss how this ends." Perhaps that's not the way to word it but Dimitri takes control how he can. Thinks of the too proper words in his mind and grimaces, electing to be as frank and clear as possible. "Do you... want to get me off?" 

His cock is already tenting the sheet, embarrassingly enough. Aching already for direct touch. Not what Dimitri is asking for right now, no, but he's more than interested.

"Oh, skies," he cannot help but breathe at Dimitri's words. Feeling reassured by Dimitri's promise that he would speak up if Claude were a bother, yes, but... 

He chances a glance at Dimitri's lap. Almost surprised to see his erection standing at full attention beneath the sheet. Matching his own arousal. And Dimitri waited for Claude to find him like this. He... 

If Claude had ever doubted that Dimitri wants him right now, right here, those doubts vanish. 

"Yes," he says, and reaches to wriggle his arms out of his shirt. Conscious, perhaps, of the old dagger wounds on his chest and acid burn on his shoulder in a way he hadn't thought to be before seeing Dimitri's self-consciousness, but. "I... I want that. To make you... Make you come. If...if you want me to." He feels graceless, clumsy, and cannot help but laugh at himself. 

"I keep getting lost in my head," he admits. "Sometimes I'm just..." Just wondering how far Dimitri intends to take this courtship. Wanting to know what he's really interested in. Does he want Claude to warm his bed? Just another body to muddle through puberty with? He shakes his head again. "This is new to me. Making you happy, too. But if I am... How do you want me to- to get you off?" 

Rests a hand on Dimitri's thigh, under the sheet. Meets his eyes as he waits for a directive.

He's dizzy with nerves and excitement. Hearing Claude say he wants to make Dimitri come... That's all it takes for his arousal to show, seeping through the sheet. His shoulders hunch self-consciously, head ducking down, eyes suddenly trained on Claude's hand resting on his thigh. 

Bolstered by Claude's honesty, and that he really does want to be here, Dimitri looks back at Claude from under his pale lashes. "I..." He huffs a laugh. "It doesn't have to be this second. I really... enjoyed your kisses. If you could keep doing that until..." 

He gathers the bunch of sheets in his fist, nerves seizing his throat for one glacial second. "Until you get to my hips. My - erection. I'd like your hands..." And he feels impossibly shy. "Or your... mouth, if you want." 

Ugh, he already regrets that last part. "...sorry." His teeth dig into his bottom lip. "...but I would like to try. Using my mouth, when it's your turn."

Claude's turn... oh. _Oh._ He'd never thought Dimitri... that he would ask to... 

"I..." He swallows again before offering Dimitri the shyest of smiles. "I'll try to last that long for... for you, Dimitri." An honest answer to his honest request... Claude is no paragon of stamina. Had he been in Dimitri's position right now, he might have already found release at the barest brush of Dimitri's lips on his skin. 

With renewed determination he leans down, kissing Dimitri's stomach, still avoiding his scars like he'd been asked. Bending down until his head is all but in Dimitri's lap as the prince remains sitting in his bed, leaning back on his hands as he trembles beneath Claude. Claude's free hand twitches toward his own lap, longing to relieve some of the pressure and touch himself while he kisses Dimitri... 

But no. He'd promised Dimitri, will save - something - of himself for him to do when it's Dimitri's turn. That is, when it's Claude's turn. Nn. He peels back the sheet by inches to reveal Dimitri's erection, and... 

It isn't the first time he's seen it, but certainly the first time he's gotten a good look at him hard like this. The slight curve to his erection, the way the head is exposed and dark red.

Hard because of Claude... 

Claude has to swallow again, choosing instead to kiss the crease of Dimitri's hip and thigh, burying his face in it. Feeling his blush only intensify with the strength of his desire.

It's rare for Dimitri to think of his past self and want to give him accolades, and yet, when he looks down at Claude's head in his lap, it's the least he can do. Never more grateful to have masturbated in his life, knowing it's the only reason he doesn't lose it all right now. 

"Cl-Claude...." Dimitri stutters out a moan. Back drawing tense as he struggles to keep still. "It feels... so nice...." Being touched. Claude's shy mouth kissing his skin. Leaving Dimitri's hard cock exposed for them both to see it beading wet at the tip. He struggles to hide his whimper when Claude's nose nuzzles deeper into his crease. 

He's moving slow and careful and Dimitri feels like a prize in the best of ways. Claude listening to him, working hard to make him happy, when Dimitri didn't even ask... 

His arms tremble, feeling weaker than they should, strung out from his nerves. He settles back down on his back, remembers Claude's concerns from earlier when he couldn't see Dimitri's face. "I can't keep myself up, sorry... I really like what you're doing. P-Please..." 

His hand squeezes Claude's bare shoulder, to reassure them both.

He hums against Dimitri's skin when he feels his hand on his shoulder, ends up squeezing his knee in response. Knowing they are both here in this moment together, both uncertain, both enjoying it all regardless. 

He does look up into Dimitri's face for reassurance once he tips over, and - those blue eyes fixed on him, blush burning in the darkness, need written into his expression... There is no reason to doubt that he _wants_ , just as Claude does. And so... so Claude moves on, still slow and cautious, exploratory, afraid of tipping the balance too quickly. 

Dimitri's cock is just inches from the end of his nose, and Dimitri had said he could - he could use his hand, or his mouth... Claude cannot help but moan aloud, gripping himself through his pants to try and stave off a premature release. 

He's well familiar with how to touch a cock. Has a wealth of experience touching his own. But he's never had one in his mouth, never even seen one as pretty as Dimitri's before, and - he wants to try. So he moves in as slow and careful as he did with his earlier kisses, taking it gently into his hand as he kisses the head, smearing the beads of precome along his lips. Watching Dimitri the entire time to see if this is as heady, as pleasurable, an experience for him as it is for Claude.

"Oh, ah, ahh -" 

Dimitri's fingers scramble to clutch at his bedding, hips bucking off the bed without thought. Gone are all his self-conscious concerns that refused to be banished until now. 

No longer worried about the length of his pubic hair or if he cleaned up enough from his last orgasm - all he is, is blissfully, stupidly seventeen with his new beloved's mouth pressing against his cock. 

"Keep going, please..." He's nothing more than a pitiful whine, teeth back to digging in his lip. Too worked up to think of how ugly the face he makes is, when Claude's mouth is already so warm.

Oh, he's - too much. Claude can't keep looking at him, or he'll make a mess of himself before Dimitri ever has a chance to. But the image of Dimitri with his head tipped back, biting his lips, cheeks aflame... 

Claude groans, giving the head of Dimitri's cock another careful lick. Exploring the taste... Once he gets past the slight bitterness of the precome, he finds that Dimitri's cock tastes like - skin. The same clean skin he's been kissing all night, but much warmer, hot against his lips. The thought makes it less intimidating, and he kisses the head again, more deliberately, right before sinking down just a little to take the whole head into his mouth. 

How does he do this? Teeth, he thinks vaguely, teeth are probably bad, and stretches his jaw to try and lower himself further onto Dimitri, centimeter by careful centimeter. Feeling the weight of Dimitri's cock on his tongue, more of the bitter precome flooding his mouth is - oh, it's the most erotic experience of his life, and he moans in spite of himself.

"Ohhhh..!!" Dimitri's loud moan is only muffled when he throws a hand out, frantically grabbing his pillow to shove it over his face. Being quiet was always a problem for him, he never really realized _how_ much of a problem it could be until he started having Claude over at night. It's one thing to deal with teasing from Sylvain, another to be so loud an adult is called over to investigate. 

He moans again, as Claude slowly sinks down a little lower. His mouth is so hot and wet... Dimitri's thighs roll out to help keep his hips flat, pressing back into the mattress so he doesn't lose himself again, accidentally choke Claude. 

He whines his name into his pillow, one hand clumsily finding its way back to Claude's shoulder. Squeezing him once again to reassure him, as if the way he leaks into Claude's mouth isn't enough.

He hears Dimitri say his name, muffled by his pillow. Feels him squeeze Claude's shoulder to guide him, not frighten him into stopping. Claude reaches, too, petting at Dimitri's inner thigh before coming to rest one hand on his abdomen, feeling the way the muscles tense. Stroking the skin there as if to soothe him, tell Dimitri he's okay, and that Claude's got him. 

He has to pull off, swallowing the saliva and precome that have flooded his mouth, and moves back down to lap at Dimitri's shaft, teasing out the shape with his mouth, wanting to follow that curve, to learn what he can. When Claude doesn't have to look at Dimitri's face, confront what he's doing... He might be able to draw it out a little longer this way, but. 

He wants to be able to see him. He... he also wants Dimitri to see _Claude_. To know who's sucking his cock, to be able to connect a person to the pleasure he's feeling. 

"Dimitri." His voice is hoarse as he gives the shaft one last kiss, just before encircling Dimitri's cock with his thumb and forefinger, gripping him tight. "Look down here, dear." He notes that Dimitri's hands are shaking as he removes the pillow, blue eyes peering down at him again, and Claude smiles to reassure him. 

"I... I want you watching me." He swallows again, his face still pressed against the side of Dimitri's cock. "And I want to be able to hear you... If you feel like you're shouting too loud, you can--" He looks away for a moment, then scrambles off the edge of the bed, scooping his shirt off the floor. 

"Bite down on this instead." He hands Dimitri his shirt. "So you can still see... You're close, right? Would you want to..." Swallows, feeling dirty. "To come in my mouth?"

"...you don't mind?" he whispers back, astonished at Claude's offer. Fingers fidgeting even as he holds Claude's shirt, eyes wide when he looks down at Claude. Swallowing through his too thick throat, Dimitri leans over to kiss his crown. 

"...Beloved." He says the endearment shyly, knowing it's the first time... but Claude just called him dear and he's giddy and touched too, not just driven by arousal burning like hot coals in his belly. They're already intimate and Dimitri is still taken aback by the special thing Claude has offered him. 

It doesn't feel dirty, just.... private. Like sex between lovers should be. Maybe his silly romance books did do more than give him shameful fantasies - they at least opened his mind up to intimacy. 

"If it's okay," he whispers shushed. Fingers still faintly shaking when he leans back, "I want to watch you. I was afraid of getting us into trouble, because I lack... discretion." If Claude doesn't mind Dimitri looking and sounding a fool with his shirt in his mouth... 

And he gives a little snort more like himself. "I'm close, obviously." He leans back in, one hand on Claude's cheek to pull him away from Dimitri's cock for a kiss. "Okay." He murmurs, giving a nod. Flustered as he readies himself, winding up his yellow collar and sleeve to bite down in his mouth. He sets his hands on Claude's shoulder, head tipped down to watch him.

Beloved, Dimitri calls him. _Beloved_... The simple word makes his heart stutter in Claude's chest. Makes him want to take a flying leap into a conclusion Dimitri surely doesn't mean... It's too early. Isn't it? Does... Does Dimitri truly know enough about Claude for his feelings to go beyond fondness? 

He shakes it off. Accepts the endearment for what it is, when the boy who is courting Dimitri is now sucking his cock. And, speaking of, Claude has a task to finish. 

One that he undertakes gladly, perhaps a little too eagerly. Excited to be the reason Dimitri loses control, pleasuring him like this on purpose for the first time. He wraps his lips around the head of Dimitri's cock again, sealing around it as he suckles, hard. He hears Dimitri groan into the fabric of Claude's shirt, his fingers tightening on his shoulders, and... and Claude cannot help but moan, too, the sound muffled by Dimitri's cock in his mouth, his neglected erection straining against his sleep pants. 

So close... just a bit further... Claude can only hope he doesn't embarrass himself or Dimitri in the process. He bobs his head, only managing to lower himself an extra inch or so onto Dimitri's cock, but tries to keep his lips sealed as he blows his - 

He can't come up with a good word for what Dimitri is to him. They are courting, yes, but what is the word for that? What adequately states what he and Dimitri are to one another without overstating things? 

His Dimitri, he decides. _His,_ and Claude cannot help but moan again, louder.

The only reason he doesn't come from the first suckle of Claude's mouth is the sense of control he must keep with his hands on Claude's body. Dimitri has hurt too many people and things accidentally, to be able to turn off that wariness in him. Even when getting his cock sucked for the first time. His fingers bite and bite deeper into Claude's shoulders but Dimitri minds himself as best he can, moans partially filtered through Claude's shirt. 

He has never felt anything like it, not even with his fist dripping with oil - made _more_ with Claude's head in his lap. Pleasuring Dimitri because he wants to, not seeking status or expecting Dimitri to be pure like a storybook caricature. 

It feels heavenly and sinful at once and he squeezes at Claude's shoulders urgently when he feels himself stumbling into orgasm. Warns him with muffled groans in elevated pitch. 

One glance of Claude's grass green eyes is all it takes for Dimitri's to squeeze shut as he comes, spilling hot and obscene into Claude's mouth. Claude's name, broken and muffled, is all he can say. 

When he comes down, absolutely winded, he finally relaxes his jaw, his makeshift gag completely wet with his saliva when it falls beside his hip. "...ohhh. Claude." He flushes, skin already glowing when he can focus on Claude again. "Are you alright? Do you - oh, I can get a handkerchief so you can spit it out..."

Dimitri tries to warn him as he's about to come, urgently saying Claude's name through the cloth of his shirt -- but Claude is still unprepared for it when Dimitri comes inside his mouth. He chokes, inadvertently, at the volume and the taste, unable to help the way he coughs and makes a mess of them both. Dimitri's come smeared across Claude's cheek... 

Still... Claude swallows what he can. Accepting this moment for what it is: something special for both of them. The way he'd heard Dimitri say his name, awash with pleasure. The power Claude feels at having this effect on him... 

"Mmm..." He touches the smear on his cheek; it's embarrassing, but he kind of likes it. Wearing Dimitri's satisfaction like this, having part of it inside him... "Ohh..." 

It's overwhelming. He has to look away from those sky blue eyes, face falling into his lap again as he furiously fists his own erection, the fire inside him about to reach its peak. It's insane- he feels as though, watching Dimitri, he's already come, and here he is ready to pop. 

"S...sorry," he manages, "I'll clean up in a... in a minute, oh, _Dimitri_..." Unable to hold on like he'd thought, unable to keep his hands off himself.

It all happens so quickly, Dimitri can only stare down in shock. At the fact Claude swallowed, that Claude was so turned on by having Dimitri in his mouth - that Claude is incapable of waiting for Dimitri to get his hands on him. 

He's never seen Claude like this, acting wild with need, honest in a way he rarely is with Dimitri. Seeing it, knowing what he's gotten out of pleasing Dimitri, makes the selfish lion inside him roar. He doesn't want to miss out on this, he doesn't want to meekly lie back and watch Claude finish himself. 

Acting without thinking of consequences, proving he really is a wretched and spoiled prince. "Don't." And he shifts out from under Claude, quick to grab his elbow and tug, making him stop touching himself with a yelp. Helpless in the face of Dimitri's strength, he can't stop Dimitri from flopping him over onto his back, the way Dimitri crowds and prowls over him, pulling his waistband down to reveal his cock, thick and hard, close to bursting - 

Dimitri's mouth waters and he doesn't hesitate, opening his mouth wide to take in the head while he holds him at the base. Wants to get in the precious sucks he can before Claude comes, wants to know his texture and weight and - 

Wants to keep things equal between them, a poor sport and a hopeless romantic all in one.

Claude cannot help the way he cries out. Not thinking about clapping a hand over his mouth to muffle the noise - used to being quiet, used to keeping a firm hand on his own desires. Dimitri has flipped the table, just as surely as he's manhandled Claude to the bed. Claude cannot help but think of them as predator and prey, the lion feasting on the deer... 

"Dimitri!" he cries out, flailing beneath his touch, the firm grip Dimitri still has on his elbow. Has to touch Dimitri's head, his silken hair, just to ground himself. It wasn't as though he didn't want this to happen, is glad to have Dimitri reciprocate, but he wanted - time, to adjust to the thought, wanted to be consulted somehow, hates the thought of losing control when they are being this intimate...

The heat of Dimitri's mouth is too much for him, already too close to pull himself back from the edge. He comes with a sob, fingers tightening in Dimitri's hair, trying to hold onto something about this moment as best he can. Knowing it is not the softness, the savoring, that he was able to give Dimitri, but wanting to find a way to treasure it all the same.

When Claude floods his mouth, Dimitri stubbornly stays where he is, swallows every bit of him that he can. Possessive of this moment in much of the way Claude was when he swallowed him. The feel of his seed is... strange, not exactly pleasant and he knows this is one of the rare moments his lack of taste is a gift and not a curse . 

He slows to pull off, careful of his teeth even as Claude softens in his mouth. His heart pounds in his chest from the rush of Claude - a part of Claude inside him. In his belly... He thinks of the sob he heard and moves to lie next to Claude as he catches his breath. 

Looking at his face... Dimitri freezes. Oh no. He's glowing, looking so beautiful but his face is tilted away from Dimitri… His guilt bubbles up in him all too swiftly, a voice hissing at him: _'that's what you get, you filthy animal.'_

"Claude, did I - scare you? Did I hurt you?" And he's ready to apologize, to make amends in any way he can if Claude says the word. Shame heats up on his face - thinking of how he’d grabbed him, moving him as easy as a straw doll. 

This is what he gets, he thinks, for not being better able to control himself. The one time he loses his grip, even for a moment, and he's taken advantage of... 

No. Claude refuses to think that way. Dimitri was not trying to be malicious; his crime, if there is one, is an abundance of eagerness. Were he feeling a little less raw right now, Claude might think it flattering. But he thinks of the way that he, Claude, had - kissed Dimitri. Touched him, warmed him up to his presence. Been gentle and tender toward him. The way Dimitri had simply taken him -- even with Claude having wanted him, even _still_ wanting him -- is too stark a contrast for him to handle. It bites at his sense of fairness, which - is stupid, but there it is. 

Claude feels strange. Does not like how he is feeling. Wants to ask Dimitri to hold him, to feel his hands on his body again, to help him calm down... But he is too afraid to ask him. Too afraid of appearing weak. 

"You... surprised me," he finally manages, shakily. "I was... I got a little carried away and didn't expect it, that's all. I'm... it's okay." He thinks it's okay, but he still feels fragile and stupid. Used, but in a very different way to how he felt when swallowing Dimitri's seed.

"It is not." He's just saying it to be nice, and this time, this time Dimitri will not budge. "Please don't lie to spare my... immature feelings. I... I'm sorry I did not ask. I should have. I don't know why I..." He sits back on his heels, mournful. Fingers clasping together in front of him. Argues with himself, 

_with the phantom in his ear who tells him it's pointless, he'll leave, just like everyone else. What Dimitri deserves, for being alive, for being weak, for daring to live while their souls scream in eternal -_

\- he tells himself if he cannot be honest he should not keep Claude here, should not waste his time. "I'm sorry," he repeats. "I felt... like my chance to know you more intimately... would have been lost to me. I was not thinking. I did a terrible thing, not asking you." 

He sniffles a bit, trying to keep his tears to himself. He does not want to set this precedent, that his emotional behavior could make him a - a beast who does not care about his partner. ...for all he has pretended to be the crown prince his kingdom expects him to be (strong, dominant, absolute), he has never wanted to be - this. 

"I-If you can stand to be touched by me, can I hug you?" He doesn't want to assume. Would not be surprised if Claude shielded himself and left. Would send him a letter or easy smile tomorrow, telling Dimitri he does not want to study with him anymore. Does not want to take meals with him anymore. Does not want to court him anymore. 

( _'Stupid. Brute. Animal.'_ )

Now that Dimitri has asked... Claude finds himself sitting up, falling into Dimitri's arms before he can find the words to answer his question properly. Wanting to feel their naked chests press together, their hearts beating in time. 

How does being held by Dimitri have the right to be this soothing? How does it make him feel so much better, welcomed and appreciated by the boy he cares so deeply for, when just moments ago he'd felt so wretched? 

_My chance to know you more intimately…_

"I get it," he sniffles, and nuzzles his shoulder. "I... I forgive you." He does. Claude is not certain, yet, how to see this in the long term of whatever their relationship will be, but he knows Dimitri has earned a second chance. He wonders if Dimitri knows what a boon that is, if he knows how rarely Claude gives those out in the first place. 

_Know you more intimately…_

"You... have your issues with people seeing your body," he starts slowly, running his hand down Dimitri's back. "I can... relate. Sort of." He swallows, having only recently realized this about himself - it never really came up before coming to the monastery. He's never had to deal with physical intimacy before being with Dimitri. 

"I don't like being - surprised, when someone touches me," he finally manages. "It's not the touch itself that bothers me. It's... when I don't know that it's coming." He bites his lip. Claude is too used to being on the lookout for danger, physical and emotional; he does not like things he cannot plan for. Too many surprise attacks as a child... 

"When I first met Raphael," he tells Dimitri a little more brightly, wanting a happier story to illustrate his point, "he would keep surprising me with bear hugs from behind. I- hated it. Turned my stomach every time, not because he was trying to hurt me, but because I wasn't ready for it. I had to tell him I needed a warning, and now..." He shrugs in Dimitri's grip. "He still does the surprise attack bear hugs, but he'll yell from behind just before he does it, so I can be ready. And then it's all okay. 

"Just after you came, things happened a little too fast for me." He is still rubbing Dimitri's back. "I needed a moment, just a moment, to get used to - receiving instead of giving. Uh." He flushes. "I don't... I don't think I mind, being manhandled, if it's by you. Just ask me first before you pounce next time, okay?"

It makes sense. It does not ease Dimitri's guilt, how he berates himself harshly, how his mind sees fit to remind him he is a danger, he has always been a danger, bred to be -- Claude's palms run down his back, over his scars, and Dimitri feels his focus shift to them, to Claude's voice as he tries to rebound, finishing his tale about Raphael on a more chipper note. 

It's difficult to find his voice at first, to hear he has been forgiven. He fixes himself to rubbing Claude's back in turn, kissing feather light kisses to his brow. Smiling watery eyed when he licks his own thumb, transparent when he wipes his drying come off Claude's cheek. 

"Thank you," his tight voice gives away the fact he's holding back tears. "I appreciate your generosity and kindness, I will not let it be misplaced. I have... never been in this situation before, so I did not realize I would get... carried away. Now that I know, I will endeavor to - slow down and make sure we are on the same page." 

"...I still feel as if I should apologize. Of all the things I wanted to show you, that... was not one of them." His palms rub circles into Claude's back, to keep himself calm as he lets his honesty sit and brew, until he is ready to share his own story. "I have been raised with... certain standards in mind. I told you before, that I am expected to be an absolute authority, that my control cannot be superseded by any man..." 

Dimitri huffs. Holding Claude tighter. "I am too emotional to be a man worthy of respect in Faerghus, so much of my behavior is... kept to myself. Sometimes I feel like I am... going to explode. I do not always realize what I am holding back until it's... Until I've made a mess of things." Dimitri presses another kiss to Claude's brow. "Because you know I... enjoy being held, I do not have to hide that part of myself." The part that yearns, that part that trembles and quivers for Claude, that beams under his attentions and affections. "...but I have been doing this since my pre-adolescent years, so I cannot stop it completely. Because I am not properly managing them... I don't always understand my feelings. I get confused. I felt terrible thinking I hurt you, all because I do not have the best handle on my emotions." 

And there's more he isn't telling Claude, more that he won't tell Claude because he can't tell anyone - but this. This he can tell him, when Dimitri had already come out with it from the beginning, the night of their first kiss. 

"You are so important to me, Claude... I was afraid I jeopardized our relationship."

He focuses, first and foremost, on the way Dimitri is holding him as he tells his side of events. This was what he'd longed for, being touched and caressed and... cherished. Claude feels himself relaxing into it as Dimitri talks, even while he listens. 

"I understand," he tells him. "And it's okay. I... I like that you don't overthink your emotions, most of the time. You're so honest, Dimitri." He pulls back and smiles at him, running a thumb along his cheek so he knows it's a compliment. "I don't want you to feel like you have to hide again because of me. Just... talk to me, okay? Whatever's going through your head, I just... I want to know." 

Holds him again before he continues, "...I know I have the opposite problem, sometimes. I don't always talk about how I'm feeling until it's too late. I..." He stutters, then laughs at himself. "This is new to me, too, Dimitri. Remembering that... that you're on the other end, wanting to know me. Wanting me to- to share myself with you. I'll try to be better about speaking up in the future.”

"I'm okay." He squeezes Dimitri tightly. " _We_ are okay." He feels much calmer now having talked with Dimitri, being held by him. The restless panic set off in his heart has settled, at least for the time being. 

"...so what _were_ the things you wanted to show me?" he can't help but ask, cheeky. Wanting to bring the evening to a lighter place for them both.

“Claude.” Dimitri chides, all too familiar (and fond) of his cheek. “Nothing quite as intimate as earlier.” He snorts when Claude playfully snaps his fingers in disappointment. He’s too good at carrying Dimitri along, giving him something new to focus on. Keeping his feet on the proverbial ground and away from the hysterical heights of his thoughts.

He's wonderful. 

“Why don’t we talk?” 

Lighting another candle, they shuffle into their sleepwear, and settle back in Dimitri’s bed, and they talk - legs tangled up, ankles rubbing against each other. 

Claude will beg off and go back to his room, he never stays the full night. Dimitri knows better than to ask. Until then, he enjoys their time and thinks of all the gifts he wants to give Claude... and all the things he wants to avoid.

His nightmares sit in the corner of his room, reminding him he will never be free and it’s another secret, much like his body, he’ll have to reveal one day. He doesn’t want to, there is no way such a reveal will end up as lovely as this… but Claude doesn’t like surprises, so Dimitri needs to figure it out. 

But not tonight. 

Tonight he looks into Claude’s eyes and lets himself not hate the boy Claude can see.


End file.
